Bridge of Sorrow 1: Phantom Lover
by Tarma Hartley
Summary: First part of a three story arc. After the events of "All Things Being Equal" ch.7, Phoenix is an emotional wreck as the first anniversary of Miles' death is upon him and Miles comes to him to try and comfort him. Was it all just a dream? Yaoi, M, PxE


_A/N: This story is connected to All Things Being Equal, chapter 7._

The first anniversary of Miles Edgeworth's death has arrived... and Phoenix is an emotional wreck. That night, Miles comes to him and, the next morning, Phoenix chalks it all up as just being a dream... until he sees something that _wasn't_ there the night before. Was it all just a dream or did Miles _really_ come to him?

This is a sister series to All Things Being Equal and a 'bridge,' if you will, to the next 3 chapters (and one of the reasons this story arc is called Bridge of Sorrow, the other being that an old wooden bridge will play a prominent part in the next two stories of the series) in the story proper, according to my time line.

I wanted to try something a little different and I'm hoping it works. :) This story takes place on the first anniversary of Miles' death and details Phoenix's struggles to come to terms with both himself and his lingering grief. It's angst, from start to finish, and deals with each step of his emotional struggle beginning with grief (Story 1) and ending with anger (Story 3).

Thank you to all of my loyal readers who have read, critiqued and reviewed my stories. I appreciate it more than I can say! Thank you all for taking the time to read my work and I hope that you will continue to enjoy the stories I write. :)

Thank you to my **AWESOME** betas, Lyrical Rawr & ShadowSuzaku, who's input and advice is top notch. You two are the **BEST** and I thank you both for everything!!

Special thanks to my husband for his support and nagging, when necessary. :) I appreciate it more than I can tell you!

As always, comments and suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

Rated NC-17, M, yaoi, Phoenix & Edgeworth

--o--

_Shadows dancing,  
__mist forming  
__ghostly embraces_  
_skin on skin, a phantom voice_  
_calling my name_  


_____A whisper on the wind_  
_Phantom breath tickles my ear_  
_A soft whisper, "My love, I love you... I'll always love you..."_

_____Why can't I forget? Why can't I heal?_  
_Why can't I leave him in the past?_  
_Why?_  
_Why does he haunt me still?_

_____Miles..._  
_The one I loved more than any other_  
_I love him still,_  
_My beloved phantom..._

_____-Lament by Phoenix Wright (1st anniversary of Miles Edgeworth's death)_

___--o--_

_____I miss him terribly._

The thought, unbidden, comes into my mind, a surge of grief welling up in me; the very thought of what I have lost being brought back sharply into focus.

Today was the day I had dreaded all week–the first anniversary of Miles' death.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to let the tears flow but I couldn't have stopped them even if I had wanted to. With a heavy sigh, I lowered my head, cradling it on my crossed arms and let the dam break inside me...

___--o--_

The sun had set when I finally lifted my head, eyes red-rimmed and sore from all the tears I had shed. I slowly sat up, scrubbing at my eyes with my knuckles, leaning back in my chair.

My journal lay open on the table, some of the words smudged and illegible. I slowly lowered my fingers down to the page, touching it gingerly. The paper was wet and marked with tears._____ My_ tears.

I swallowed hard, trying to get past that painful lump in my throat which seemed so large it threatened to choke me. I knew that facing today would be difficult but I hadn't expected it to be this emotionally and physically draining. Or maybe I had and I simply didn't want to face it___._

_____My heart aches for him... I love him still even though he broke my heart and shattered my soul. I love him though I hate him. I need him... I want him... how I want him!_

My hands clenched into fists as I turned my head to look out of the kitchen window of my apartment, silently watching snowflakes fall gently to the ground, my mind a chaotic whirl of deep set grief and torment.

The same set of thoughts kept going through my mind in an endless reel: _What more could I have done...? Was there anything I could have done to stop him?_ There was one thought, however, that I couldn't bear to even think of over all the others: _And would it have really mattered? It wasn't enough... my love wasn't enough... to stop him..._

I sighed brokenly. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that Miles' death wasn't my fault, I couldn't escape the terrible guilt that had such a stranglehold on me. I blamed myself for his death, castigating myself repeatedly. I should have known-I should have** SEEN**!___-_that something was wrong and tried to stop him.

Now, it was too late and I was left alone, with a broken heart and a shattered soul to try my best to heal and get on with my life and the business of living. I rubbed at my tired eyes and wondered again, for what seemed to be the millionth time that year, if I would ever be whole again.

I had doubted it a year ago and there seemed no end in sight for the terrible emptiness and grief I felt. A black shroud had settled around me and I resigned myself to a lifetime of being alone.

The last of the sun's rays had disappeared across the horizon, draping the world in a soft, black velvet blanket. My heart constricted painfully within me with every beat and I had to look away quickly before I broke down again, something I didn't want to do.

I felt so tired and defeated. There were some days it was a chore just getting out of bed in the morning; I wasn't even sure I could face the day. It had never been this bad before and I wondered if anything would ever go back to the way it was. A vain hope, I knew, since the past year had changed me in ways both irrevocable though mostly invisible.

The most I could hope for was to just take one day at a time and hope for the best, but I no longer expected anything except to merely find the strength to exist.

Darkness descended as I sat there, lost in my memories of happier times. How happy Miles and I were and how short that happiness proved to be; I often wondered what it was that prompted Miles to choose death over a life together with me and I blamed myself for not seeing it before it was too late.

I sighed deeply as I slowly stood up, stretching my arms carefully and made my way through the darkened kitchen area to the living room, trying not to run into something on the way to the bedroom.

I ran my hand slowly against the wall, putting one foot down cautiously in front of the other as I made my way across the darkened room, cursing softly as I stepped on a pen that had fallen to the floor by my desk. I kicked it out of the way, watching it dispassionately as it went skittering past the pale light given off by the night light into the darkness beyond. I didn't know where it had gotten to but I didn't overly care so long as it wasn't in my way.

After what seemed to me to be an intolerable eternity, I at last reached my bedroom and switched on the light, shuffling wearily into the dimly lit room. I stood in the middle of the room, lifting my shirt over my head, tossing it nonchalantly onto the floor followed in short order by my jeans and undershirt until I stood there clad only in boxers.

_____It's certainly a depressing exercise_, I thought sadly, wincing as I felt my eyes beginning to burn. I tried to turn my attention away from the one photograph of Miles and I that remained on the night table next to the bed___. __I never expected things to be this bad today but, honestly, what had I been expecting?_

Taken during happier times, I couldn't bear to look at it. Even as I tried not to, the framed photograph caught my attention, almost as if it were forcing me, against my will, to face it.

It was the one photograph that I hadn't the heart to put away as I had all the others after Miles' death. There was something compelling about it that prevented me from locking that one away as well. A feeling of dread came over me and I trembled as my head slowly turned to look at the ornate gilt frame, my hands beginning to shake, my knees feeling weak.

I didn't want to look but I couldn't help it as my attention was brought directly to it; I swallowed hard as my eyes locked on the enigmatic grey ones of Miles in the photograph, his sensuous mouth smiling and inviting. I felt my heart beating faster, my breath coming in short, ragged pants.

_____What was happening to me?! Why is this happening today... of all days?!_ I bit my lip hard to keep from crying out, my emotions in turmoil. _____Why can't you leave me in peace, Miles?! Why can't I forget you?! It would be so much easier if I could!_

I clenched my hands into fists at my side, squeezing my eyes tightly shut, trying to fight against the overwhelming grief I felt welling up inside me and its accompanying darkness. I needed to move on with my life but I couldn't seem to... or was it simply a case of not wanting to.

_____If I did, I would have to admit that you're really gone... and I don't want to do that._

A strangled sigh slowly escaped my lips.___Why did it have to be so hard to say goodbye?_

All I had were questions and precious few answers as I wearily climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. I glanced over at the photo on the night table once again, my eyes beginning to burn as the moonlight coming through the frosted glass fell gently on Miles' face, giving it a beautiful and ethereal look. It simultaneously thrilled me and chilled me to my very marrow.

_____Just like he was when he..._ I cut that thought short with a will, turning quickly over on my side so I didn't have to see how___... __alive _... Miles looked in the photograph.

It was really spooky and I felt a chill creep up my spine as I burrowed deeper under the covers. It really bothered me although I really couldn't quite put my finger on exactly why; it was only a picture and not something living.

If this were the case, then what was that feeling of deep unease I had? It didn't make any sense.

I shivered as I pulled the covers tighter against my chin, almost as if I were trying to protect myself against someone.

_____Or something..._

I resisted the urge to look again at the photograph and instead closed my eyes, hoping and praying that sleep would come...and soon.

I fell into a deep, uneasy sleep ten minutes later not noticing that the moonlight streaming in through the window had turned into a slight mist, dancing and twisting as it made its way over to the bed...

___--o--_

___:__**Phoenix**_:

I stirred uneasily, troubled by vivid dreams and nightmarish visions of the past. A soft breath gently tickled my ear, my hand unconsciously lifting and half-heartedly swatting at it. To my half-awake brain, it felt like an insect had flown too close to me and this is the reason why my sleep was so fitful.

___:__**Wake up, Phoenix...**_:

One eye slowly cracked blearily open, fluttering sleepily, my hands twitching as they clutched the covers. For a brief moment, I thought I'd heard a voice calling me.

_____What...? Who...?_ My brain struggled to make sense of the contradiction though I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. But... it sounded so___...__ familiar_...

___:__**Phoenix...**_:

_____It...it... couldn't be... Could it?_

Out of the darkness again came the soft voice, breathily whispering my name...

___:__**Phoenix...**_:

It wasn't my imagination. It___was_ his voice!

"Miles?" I croaked, my voice strangled. I slowly pushed back the covers from my face, my eyes struggling to focus in the darkened room. "Is... that... is that... you?"

Silence.

It sounded like a foolish question on the face of it but I could feel my heart start to quicken and I couldn't understand why; there was nothing in this room except me but I thought... I could have sworn that I heard him...

_____Don't be an idiot, Wright,_ I chastised myself, feeling very foolish as I prepared to pull the covers back over my head.___There's nothing-there no one!–here except you and your overactive imagination... It's only because today was... _I shook my head violently.___Stop it! He's dead and gone... and you have to get on with your life as best you can. Without him..._

I looked around me and, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, slowly began to close my eye, feeling sleep start to overtake me once more. I let it begin to carry me away, thinking how wonderful it would be to finally have a good night's sleep, to finally be done with this living nightmare...

___:__**Beloved..**_.:

I threw back the covers, my heart threatening to burst out of my chest, and leaped out of bed. I careened across the room, slamming my left shoulder hard into the wall on the opposite side. I leaned against it, gasping for breath, gritting my teeth as pain shot through my left shoulder. Once the pain had dissipated, I looked wildly around the dark room, looking for any sign that I was only dreaming, that this was nothing more than a nightmare... that what I was hearing _wasn't _real...

_____What the hell was going on here?!_ I thought, my eyes skimming the room at a furious pace, my heart pounding in my chest.___Why am I hearing him? Why can't I get him out of my mind?_!

I felt tears start to course down my face and, though I tried hard not to, I couldn't stop them from falling. I lifted a shaking hand to my cheek, feeling the wetness on my face, my mind screaming.

_____What... What's happening?! What's happening to me?!_

I put my hands on both sides of my head, low moaning sounds escaping from my tightly pressed lips. My legs quaked and threatened to give out beneath me as I leaned against the wall, loud wails of pain and loss torn from my throat.

My body was shaking so violently that my teeth rattled and my shaking fingers dug deeply into my hair, my mouth working but no sound emerging from my lips. It must have looked like I had gone mad... and I wasn't too far behind in that same assumption.

I collapsed on the floor and was in the throes of a horrible fit all because of a voice that I wasn't even certain I had honestly heard... Something was _really_ wrong with this scenario.

___:__**Phoenix**_!:

I jerked my head upright at the sound of the voice, my eyes as wide as saucers. My mouth dropped open in shock as I saw what had formed in front of my horrified gaze. I tried to scream but I couldn't make a sound.

_____No!_ I thought in horror, squeezing my eyes shut tightly, trying to block out the sight in front of me___. __This... this can't... be! I can't... this isn't... I... He's... not... he's... he's... _I trembled, my body cringing against the wall. It was almost as if I was trying to crawl into it and hide from that terrible apparition.___This... isn't... happening... This... isn't... real! It can't be real!_

A wisp of white mist had slowly made its way across the room to where I knelt. I stared in horrified fascination as it twisted and turned only scant inches away from me, a form slowly coming into view...

My eyes opened wider___. __Oh my God!_

___:__**Don't be afraid, Phoenix. You're not going mad. It's really me...**_: That gentle voice was unmistakable and heartbreakingly familiar... and it was coming from the white mist that was slowly coming into being right there in front of me.___ :__**I've come back to see you. I miss you, Phoenix, so very, very much...**_:

"No," I groaned, my heart constricting painfully in my chest, "you... this... can't be real! You're... you're... dead...!"

The voice chuckled, the sound cutting me right to the heart. I moaned in pain, putting out my hand as if to try and stop the form that was becoming ever more clearly defined.

_____**:No, Phoenix. I'm here...**_: Miles Edgeworth's gentle voice whispered tenderly, the misty form coming ever closer toward me. I shrank from it, trying very hard not to look at the phantom drawing ever closer for I couldn't bear the sight of it.

A soft caress on my shoulder brought me back to reality, my body shuddering as the mist touched it. I didn't want it to touch me; it hurt too damn much since it wore the face of the man I loved more than anyone else in the world.

_____It isn't... him!_ my mind babbled with fright, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it echoing throughout the room. _____There's no way it could be! He's... he's... he's... gone...!_

___:__**No, Phoenix...**_: Miles' soft voice reverberated throughout the room, gently chiding, his hand reaching out and touching my skin.___ :__**I'm not dead and gone from this world. I'm by your side; I'm always with you...**_:

I shivered in pleasure and revulsion, my body instinctively responding to the caress. I leaned back against the wall, moaning in half-pain and half-pleasure. I knew now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this really was Miles and not some terrible nightmare; no one else could touch me the way_ he _did...

The caresses continued and I slowly felt all revulsion and terror slipping slowly away. I leaned back into the caresses as much as I could, my eyes closing as I arched my back in pleasure, a soft moan escaping my lips as I gave myself up to the exquisite sensations.

The back of my head came into contact with something solid... but it wasn't the wall. It felt like I was pressed up against a firm, hard body...

"Aaaahhh!" A convulsive shudder tore through my body as a loud cry burst from me. Wet lips trailed down the side of my neck, teeth gently nibbling hot and receptive skin, soft whispers echoing in my ears.

"Miles," I moaned, my head slowly moving from side to side, my teeth gritted, pleasure sweeping through me like a tidal wave. My hands slowly raised themselves upward until they came into contact with the ghostly Miles'; so warm, soft and inviting...

A hot, breathy whisper echoed in my ear.___ :__**Phoenix... My sweet Phoenix...**_:

"No..." I groan softly, not wanting this terrible pleasure sweeping over me but I was left helpless in its wake. "Please... don't... ahhhh! Please..." My head thrashed from side to side, loud moans being torn from deep within me. My hands shook as I felt Miles' hot mouth trailing passionate kisses down the side of my neck, nestling in at the base of my throat.

Miles alone woke my body with burning passion that only responded to his touch. The only conclusion I could reasonably come to, as I writhed and gasped at the hot pleasure flowing through me at my phantom lover's hands, was that this _was_ Miles Edgeworth. Of that, there could be _no_ mistake.

_____What... what... how... what... who? Miles!_ My thoughts were whirling chaotically in my head, my ability to think becoming more and more clouded as Miles awakened my body with his caresses and hot kisses. My body eagerly responded as my skin tingled with the electric current that flowed through us both.

It had been so long since I had felt Miles or his touch that my senses were fully aroused by these phantom caresses but the hands that touched me were... solid... and _very_ real. How could this be true when Miles was no longer alive?

___:__**But I am, beloved. I'm alive and once more by your side. Why do you find it so hard to believe? Can't you trust my touch?**_: Hot kisses trailed down the side of my neck and I writhed in shameless pleasure while Miles continued to caress me.___ :__**Trust me, beloved. Trust what you feel, trust your heart...**_: A gentle nuzzle.___ :__**I'm here, Phoenix; I'm here with you and I've missed you...: **_A soft, exhaled breath._____** :Let me show you how much...**_:

"Please... no..." I begged, my mind a whirling mass of conflicting feelings. I knew that if I gave in I would be lost. "I... I... **MILES**!" My head reared back in ecstasy as Miles bit my neck; I screamed out his name as scalding, pulsing pleasure flowed through my body, stinging electric shockwaves rendering me incapable of coherent thought.

I hadn't felt this way for a year... a very long and lonely year. Even though I knew it was not a good idea and that I would regret it later, I didn't want to stop and flung myself, literally, into his embrace. My last defense had been broken through and I gave myself over to the pleasure that Miles was giving me; I gave my body over to his embrace, whether I wanted to fully or not.

That painfully hot but wonderfully good pleasure had broken me down. I hadn't felt Miles' touch for so long and I missed it-and him-terribly. It didn't really matter to me if I knew he was dead–he was here now and I wanted to take full advantage of it. My body ached for him and craved his touch.

Without even looking up, I lifted my hands and slowly began to run them up over and up Miles' arms; it was soft fabric I felt underneath my questing hands as they slowly made their way up. Even though my mind kept on insisting that this wasn't happening and that Miles wasn't real, what I felt under my hands was _very_ real indeed!

My heart started beating faster the higher my hands went and I could feel Miles shivering with excitement as I touched him. My own body was on fire as Miles' soft hands traveled freely about my bare chest, his fingertips gently tweaking my nipples which hardened instantly at his touch.

I sucked in my breath through pleasure gritted teeth, my back arcing against him, shaking fingers convulsively grasping the insides of Miles' arms. I'd forgotten in the past year just how good this felt and being firmly reintroduced to the pleasure and passion that Miles always roused in me.

_____I've really missed this..._

"Miles..." I moaned quietly, twisting and writhing as his hands caressed my over-heated and sensitive body tenderly, whispering words of love into my ear. "Miles... touch me. Touch me... please..."

___:__**I will...:**_ The breathy moan sounded right next to my ear, followed by teeth gently fastening onto the side of my neck once again, nibbling and licking delicately down the length and breadth of it.

"Oh, God!" I cried out in passion, my head rearing back before falling forward and rolling from side to side. The pleasure rushing through me was incredible and so intense that I nearly passed out from the sheer bliss of it. It seemed like his touches went everywhere at once, each one burning more hotly than the one before. "Miles... oh, Miles!"

___:__**Phoenix...**_: His voice is music in my ears, his kisses were burning hot, his touch hungry and eager as he gently lifted me from the floor, turned me slowly around and took me in his arms.

His mouth captured mine swiftly in a passionate kiss that sapped all the energy from my body, leaving me weak in the knees, leaning heavily against him since I wasn't so sure I could stand up on my own.

_____He's... solid... My God... he's... SOLID!!_ I thought with surprise, my body instinctively responding to Miles' touch and hungry embrace, my mouth eagerly devouring his, my arms slowly lifting to wrap around his neck and holding him close.___How... how... can this... be?! Miles... oh, Miles! You've come back to me!_

A sudden surge of new energy ripped through my body and I pulled him even closer, my mouth on fire with his kisses, my hands busy touching him everywhere I could reach___. __God, I've missed you so much! I... I can't believe that you're actually here but I'm so glad you are! I moaned softly into his mouth as we clung to each other. Miles, I need you... I love you!_

___:__**Phoenix... Oh, my sweet Phoenix... I love you...**_: Miles' voice whispered hungrily over my lips before he captured them again in a searing kiss so intense I felt giddy and lightheaded. ___:__**I've missed you so...**_:

"I've missed you, too, Miles," I moaned in response as his hands gently ran down my sides, leaving me shivering with hot, painful pleasure in their wake."It feels like an eternity since I saw you last." I groaned as his fingers hit a particularly sensitive spot. "Oh, Miles!! Promise me you won't leave me again... Please! AHH! Promise me!"

___:__**I promise, Phoenix...**_: Miles whispered fervently, his fingers gently stroking my bare skin. I could feel his fingers reach the top of my boxers and I shivered with need as they slowly slid past the waistband.___ :__**I promise.**_:

"Miles..." I whispered softly, feeling my boxers beginning their slow descent over my hips and down my legs until they pooled in a heap of fabric at my feet. I stepped out of them, sighing in rapture as Miles caressed my bare skin, sparks of electricity flowing between us.

I felt so alive in his arms. His caresses awakened a long dormant hunger in me that I never thought would ever be satisfied and had buried after Miles' death. I had so many questions running through my mind but they were pushed back into the furthest corner, Miles' sweet caresses rendering all coherent thought impossible.

I moaned as his fingers gently brushed my sex and stiffened as he wrapped his fingers around it, gently stroking me. I screamed out in animal passion, my body arching hard against his, my head flung back. It had been so long since he had touched me and I found that long dormant passions were rising quickly to the surface... and I went with it.

All other thoughts, all other considerations meant nothing to me at this moment. My lover, Miles Edgeworth, whom I was convinced was dead, had come back to me; nothing else mattered. He was here with me again, after a year's absence, and I wanted him so badly it hurt.

To say that I wasn't thinking rationally was quite true–I wasn't. I was being swept along by a wave of passion so intense I thought that I would split in two. After being alone for a year, I welcomed Miles' presence back into both my life and my bed. I'd never stopped loving him and, as his fingers slowly slid up from my throbbing hardness to gently caress my stomach on its way up to my chest, I knew I never would. There would be no one else in my life except for him; my heart was his and his alone.

Miles led me to the bed, still holding me close to him, his lips pressing little butterfly kisses against my own as he nudged me gently backwards. I stumbled back a few steps but Miles was holding me firmly so I didn't tumble over as he tenderly, and slowly, lowered me onto the bed.

_____Miles..._

I moaned under his mouth as he continued his caresses, his mouth teasingly pressing hot, wet kisses on my mouth, driving my passion higher and hotter with every kiss. I burned for him, my body aching with a year's worth of pent up desire.

I wanted this man so much I hurt; as my beloved's mouth and hands reintroduced me to the pleasures of love, my heart and spirit soared. I closed my eyes and let myself be carried away on a sea of passion, crying out in undisguised pleasure as Miles' fingers once again wrapped around me and stroked me tenderly, my body wracked with ecstasy.

___:__**Phoenix...**_:

"MILES!!" I cried, my body arching as a thunderous orgasm raced through my overheated body, my head thrashing wildly from side to side, screaming out his name over and over. Miles held my bucking body in his arms until I calmed down, my body covered with sweat, sucking hard at my neck. I shivered as I felt his tongue slowly glide over my sweaty skin, tasting its salty sweetness as his lips slowly traveled back up my neck and pressed hard against mine. I groaned as his tongue slipped into my mouth once again, tangling pleasantly with my own.

Miles deepened the kiss, taking me further down in an abyss of pleasure and I went willingly with him, drowning in a sea of sensation, his fingers digging into my hair and holding on tightly. His kisses became more demanding and passionate, his lips nibbling hungrily at mine, his tongue sliding sensuously over my wet mouth, his hard, eager body rubbing against me.

I had already had one orgasm but I could feel arousal stirring in me and I could feel myself starting to get hard again, passion quickly igniting within me; Miles kissed me and caressed me, leaving no part of me untouched by his skilled hands and hot, moist mouth.

_It feels so good!_ I thought as I groaned in agonized pleasure, trying to thrust myself up against him in order to feel him; he kept me hanging on the razor's edge between pain and pleasure through his skilled teasing. It was driving me nearly mad but he kept up his tantalizing attentions to cruelly-so it seemed-torment me.

I wanted him so badly I ached but, every time I would try to pull him closer to me, he gently pushed away my hands.

___:__**I want to do this, Phoenix..**_.: he said gently, licking beads of sweat from my cheek, his soft breath tickling my skin.___ :__**I want to love you. Please let me; it's been so long...**_: His lips traveled down to my neck, nuzzling it gently.___ :__**I want you, Phoenix..**_.: His lips gently nibbled my neck before he bit down, sucking hard and I cried out in surprise at the hot, dirty pleasure that flowed through me.

As I'm crying out in wanton ecstasy, I'm fully aware that I am putty is my ghost lover's hands but I didn't care. How I loved him! I loved him with a deep, passionate love that only burned for him. I didn't want anyone else.

"Miles..." I moaned incoherently, my fingers digging into his hair as he caressed me. I could feel his lips traveling over my body and I quivered in pleasure as he brought me ever closer to the edge and held me as I went over again, crying out his name, slumping wearily in his arms.

Miles held me close to his chest, his lips gently kissing my forehead and tasting my skin's salty tang. I could feel his lips curve into a smile as I lay there, completely drained of energy but happier than I had been in some time.

It didn't occur to me then that this was possibly only a dream and, that when I woke up, he would be gone... Perhaps it did but I didn't care as I lay there snuggled in my beloved's arms, basking in the wonders of the present and trying not to think too much about what the future would bring.

At this point in time, it didn't matter if this was all nothing more than a dream, a phantasm that would fade as the sun rose bringing with it the harsh mode of reality. All that I cared about was that Miles was here with me, holding me in his arms, my head pressed against his chest, listening to the steady beating of his heart. What heady moments those brief, wonderful moments were!

Yet, like the mist, I knew that they were only going to be fleeting moments and then it would be back to the hard world I knew... a world without Miles in it. I closed my eyes, swallowing hard. Miles must have noticed the change in my mood since he rained kisses down on my forehead and face, whispering tender words of comfort, his hand gently stroking my face.

I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving again but I knew, deep within, that he had to go... and I had to let him go. I felt tears prick my eyes at the very thought; though I tried hard to keep them back, they slowly trickled down my face, a sob threatening to burst from my throat.

I jumped a little in surprise when I felt his cool, soft hands cup the sides of my face and draw it up to his, his beautiful grey eyes looking deeply into my blue ones. His expression was one of deep sorrow as he gazed at me; at that moment, I knew that he was finding it as difficult as I was to leave even though he knew, as I did, that he must.

___:__**Phoenix...**_: he said quietly, his thumbs tenderly stroking my cheeks, brushing my tears away___. :__**I love you... I will always be by your side...**_:

He leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on my trembling lips, an electric current stinging them with both passion and promise that seemed to go on for an eternity; hot tears streamed down my face as we kissed, my heart breaking anew into a thousand pieces.

I knew this was goodbye but I couldn't bring myself to let him go, clutching him tightly to me. I wanted him to stay, the thought of living without him was unbearable. When we parted, his lips slowly and reluctantly pulling away from mine, he sighed with mingled sadness and regret; his hands cupped my face, tenderly kissing away all my tears. It seemed to me, as a part of my brain that was still functioning remarked, that he didn't want to let me go, either, which was making his inevitable parting all that much harder.

We stayed this way for some time in silence, neither of us wanting this moment to end but knowing all too well that it had to and that he must leave me once again, a heartbreaking prospect that pained us both.

After a few moments more, he slowly leaned back, his eyes locking with mine and holding them as he removed his hands from my face, his reluctance to do so crystal clear.

_This is as hard for him as it is for me_, I thought sadly, my heart aching as I watched him slowly sit up and disentangle himself from our tight embrace as he got out of my bed with a liquid grace that astonished me, taking a few steps back._ Why did it have to be this way? I don't think I'll ever stop asking why..._

I watched him as he slowly undid his cravat, his eyes never leaving my face as he did so. Once he had removed it from around his throat he draped it, with infinite love, around my neck, looking at me longingly once again.

He came forward suddenly, his lips returning to devour mine in a searing embrace that seemed to last forever; I clung to him as he kissed me, never wanting to let him go but knowing that I must as we slowly and very reluctantly parted, knowing that it might be for the last time.

He stepped back from me, the mist slowly starting to dissipate. I wanted to reach out to him to keep him with me and I almost did but stopped myself, knowing that it would be a futile exercise. As much as I hated the thought and it hurt to even consider it, it was time for him to go... and we both knew it.

Miles looked at me with such love that my heart threatened to leap from my chest with joy even though it was pained beyond what words could express; he extended his hand and I grabbed it, pressing it hard against my heart, wanting him to know just how much I loved him should we never meet again.

He smiled sadly as he lifted my hand to his lips, turning it over and planting a gentle kiss on my palm. His eyes closed as his hand tightened around mine, rubbing the back of my hand over his cheek and I marveled anew at how soft his skin felt. It's funny the things you remember...

My heart constricted painfully within me as he slowly released my hand, my arm falling bonelessly to my side. His eyes never once left me as he slowly faded from sight, mouthing, _____I love you, Phoenix... I'll always love you..._

I started when I saw, to my surprise, a tear roll down his cheek. Before I could even blink, he was gone.

___--o--_

With a start, I sat bolt upright in bed, my breath coming in ragged pants, my eyes tightly closed, a wave of grief threatening to overwhelm me. I shook the last cobwebs of sleep impatiently from my eyes, waiting for my racing heart and breathing to return to normal.

A year after Miles' death and I dreamed of him still; would I ever be free of my beloved ghost? Some things had resolved themselves but I still felt a lingering grief that tortured my aching heart. I sighed loudly as I slowly lay down again, tears trickling down my face, a lump in my throat so large it threatened to choke me.

Deep down, I wondered if I would ever be right again; at this point in time, I didn't think I would be. The ache that was constantly with me never went away or, if it did, I would enjoy only a short respite before it came back. How I ached with grief and loss! Some days, admittedly, were better than others but that dull, throbbing ache was always my constant companion.

My fingers clutched at the comforter, mewling cries of pain and grief escaping my tightly closed lips though I tried to fight off this wave of terrible loneliness and emptiness. No one knew-though I'm sure they probably guessed-how much of me died when Miles did; there were days that I longed to join him and be done with life and its accompanying pain and sorrow.

Life, in one fell swoop, had become unbearable, grief being my one constant that I longed to escape during my waking hours. Now I couldn't even escape it when I slept. He was always in my thoughts and on my mind; when I closed my eyes, I could see his beautiful face, his grey eyes looking at me with such love that my breath caught.

I laid my arm across my eyes, swallowing hard, my head beginning to throb. I knew I would have to get up and take some pain medication to rid myself of a nasty headache but I couldn't bring myself to move.

The pain slowly increased until I couldn't stand it any longer and I reluctantly got up, shuffling unwillingly towards the bathroom, switching on the light before I entered. I shuffled over to the sink and slowly reached out to the medicine cabinet, intending to open it. My hand froze in midair when I looked, _really _looked, into the mirror above the sink. There, wound lovingly around my neck, was a white silk cravat...

_____Oh my God!_ I thought, my hand starting to shake, my eyes widening.___It's... his... a...cravat!_ I stumbled back a couple of paces, my shaking fingers touching the soft material gingerly, a sob threatening to erupt from my trembling lips.

Miles..." I moaned sorrowfully, a lump forming in my throat, tears springing to my eyes. "I miss you so! How could you have done this to me... to _us_?!"

I lowered my head and, with one hand entangled in the soft folds of his cravat, I wept.

"**Miles**!!"


End file.
